Dear Dr. Rain:
My ex and I divorced a couple of years ago and we are both involved in our 11-year-old daughter’s life. We are barely on speaking terms. When she comes to my house, she tells me things about what her dad does. Like, he lets her stay up really late, eat junk food and things like that. I believe her because he did that when we were married. She also tells her father about things I do that aren’t always true. She told him I left her alone for the whole afternoon. Well, I went to the store for 20 minutes and my boyfriend watched her.
I’m afraid she is turning into a liar, and don’t know what to do about that.
Signed,
Done With This
Dear Done With This:
I hear the frustration and concern that you feel about your daughter’s behavior. The situation that you describe is not terribly unusual in a post-divorce family. When there is a divorce, many times the parents have a mistrust of each other due to past issues. Because of this distrust, they have trouble parenting together as a unit after the divorce.
Divorce is a very traumatic event for most children. In general, it can take about two years for children to adapt to the divorce. The children who do best are those whose parents get along well enough after the separation. That is one of the best predictors of whether a child will adjust well.
When parents are in a healthy marriage with each other, they typically trust each other. They know each other’s behaviors very well and trust that their partner is providing good enough parenting. In that situation, if a child says something that is not entirely true, the parent corrects that child. For example, in a good marriage, if the child says to her father, “Mom was gone for hours today and left me all alone”, the father would likely respond, “Now honey, that couldn’t possibly be true. Your mom would never do that. Let’s ask mom about it so you understand it correctly”. The issue would then be over.
In your situation, however, when your child says the very same thing to her father, he might respond, “Really? That’s awful. She shouldn’t leave you alone like that ever.” Now, the child will take this opportunity to continue the exaggeration and perhaps say, “She does it alot”. Now we are off and running. A tale is woven because of the lack of trust between you and her father. The same thing probably happens when she tells you half-truths about her father.
After divorce, children sometimes feel like they are in a loyalty bind. When they are with their dad, they might feel like they have to demonstrate loyalty to him. And, when they are with their mom, the may feel like they have to demonstrate loyalty to her. What better way to show this loyalty than to tattle on the other parent, or exaggerate the faults of the other parent. This instantly shows their loyalty and builds an alliance with the parent they are tattling to.
Unfortunately, this creates severe distress in the child as well. It damages the parent child relationship as well. Once this pattern develops, it can be hard to break it if the parents continue to mistrust each other. New dysfunctional behaviors then begin. For example, you might find that you are pumping your daughter for information about her father. This unwittingly encourages the child to make up new misdeeds he has supposedly done.
Part of the solution is to discuss this family problem alone with your ex-husband. Let him know that you think your daughter is pitting you against each other as a way to demonstrate loyalty. Let him know that the two of you can break this cycle. When your daughter tattles, simply thank her for sharing with you and leave it at that.
When she is in school, call your ex-husband and let him know what she said. Once you have the facts, you will be more comfortable in telling your daughter to stop the tattling unless something dangerous is happening. Tell her that daddy loves her and would never do anything to hurt her. Encourage him to say the same about you.
Sometimes it helps to meet with a counselor for a few visits to get this kind of change rolling. A counselor can be a neutral party who can facilitate discussion between the two parents. The counselor can also help them develop a healthier pattern of dealing with this tattling and exaggerated story telling by their child.
