Dear Dr. Rain:
My son just turned 11, and I am having some trouble finding ways to be together with him.
This past year, he has been so excited about his friends and his video games, and just doesn’t want to do the things we used to do. I can’t get him interested in board games, and he won’t go in the yard and throw a ball around anymore.
I offered to take him to the movies, but he really wasn’t too keen on it. He is a great kid, responsible, good student and otherwise seems pretty happy.
How do I get back the closeness we had?
Signed,
Mama Bear
Dear Mama Bear:
What seems like a problem to you is probably a sign that you have done everything right with your son. At around 10 years old, we start to hear the drumbeat of adolescence.
Children become less tied to their parents and more interested in the world and their friends. Having parents becomes a bit of an embarrassment to some of them.
It’s not unusual, for example, that children will ask their parents to duck down when they drop them off at school, or even drop them off a block away. They love their parents as much as before, but they are becoming increasingly driven to individuate and separate from them. This is a bittersweet moment for many parents. On the one hand, they are proud and excited to see their “baby” starting to grow up. On the other hand, they often feel the sadness of letting go of the sweetness of childhood.
When children are approaching adolescence, there is a tightrope that we walk as parents. We don’t want to let go too much, too soon, nor do we want to smother our children and prevent them from becoming more independent.
In today’s culture, I see parents frequently making the mistake of backing out of their children’s lives too much and too soon. While the nature of your relationship with your son will change, it is important to realize he is still not an adult.
One of your challenges now is to find ways to remain involved in your son’s life without holding on too tightly. For example, you might find time to play some of those video games with your son since they are such a big hobby for him.
Follow his interests rather than trying to get him to return to interests from his earlier years. Be sensitive to the fact that he might not want to be seen with you at the movies. It might work out better, for example, to pop popcorn and watch a funny TV show or rent a DVD. Turn off the phone so you won’t be interrupted when you have this type of family time.
At this age, and throughout his teen years, it remains very important to have family dinners as often as possible. Keep the conversation light and talk about topics that are interesting to your son. Show sincere interest in his interests and activities. Many families also wisely set aside family time each week. They find something fun to do with their kids even if it only lasts a couple of hours.
Even though your son is pushing hard for independence, he still needs your affection.
If he will not snuggle with you anymore, maybe he will accept a foot rub or a quick hug. Continue to praise him for his good choices, and make sure you tell him every day that you love him.
As he gets closer to becoming a teen, resist the urge to loosen up rules. You still need to set limits on things like bedtime, homework, privileges and even choice of friends. The better your relationship with your son, the more likely he will not buck these limits too hard.
Do not argue with him about the rules. Listen to his feelings, and then set the limit. If he wants to argue about it after he has aired his opinion, walk away so that you do not get into a fight about that.
Only brothers and sisters argue. Parents do not argue with their children.
Finally, be sure you are also taking care of your marriage. Teens and Pre-teens can try the patience of a saint. If your marriage is strong, your teen will function better, and you will have a built-in support system. Your marriage can also satisfy the closeness that is no longer part of your relationship with your son. It would not be healthy for your son, for you to look toward him for closeness.
It won’t be long before your baby is off to college. Eight years goes by in the blink of an eye. Keep that marriage strong. You and your husband will still have each other after that baby leaves the nest.
