Riverview Psychology

Child Psychologist - Brevard Co., Florida

Call for your appointment: (321) 984-0708

Talking to Children About Death

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Dear Dr. Rain:

My 85-year old-grandmother is deathly ill, and I think she will die soon.

Our 8-year-old daughter met her during the summer when we visited our family in North Carolina. She took to her and played some Go Fish cards with her. Sometimes she brings her up when we are playing cards together.

I don’t know what to say to her, what with her being so sick. And, the doctors think she will pass away in a few weeks. I don’t know how to explain that either.

I wasn’t too close to my grandmother, but still it hurts.

Signed,

Grieving

Dear Grieving:

Death is a subject that makes many of us uncomfortable.

Some people never talk about it at all, and, at the other extreme, some people are so terrified that they are unable to enjoy their life. Children have an incomplete understanding of death. At age 8, many children still might wonder if death is reversible, although most realize it is final.

Children often think they might be the first human to live forever. They are also beginning to worry about their parents’ mortality, by your daughter’s age.

In some cultures, death is an ever-present event. In America, we are often shielded from aspects of death. In America, not many children are faced with a catastrophic loss of a sibling or a parent. This leaves us unpracticed in understanding death and knowing what to teach our children.

First, try to separate out your own grief from your child’s experience of grief. While you may grieve deeply for your grandmother, your daughter might have a different emotional experience. She may not mourn deeply, depending upon the nature of her feelings for this grandmother. Be sure you do not project your own feelings upon your daughter so that you do not confuse her about how she indeed feels.

This is a good time to mention to your daughter that Grandma is very sick. Let her know that Grandma is very old. Surely she noticed this in her visit. Let her know that the doctors are working hard to keep her alive, but that she may not be able to live much longer. You might also mention that her illness is not catching, so that she does not worry that she, too (or you, too) will become deathly ill.

Your daughter may have many questions and concerns after your conversation. Some of them might be disguised. For example, she might suddenly begin to worry about the death of a bug or a pet. You can help her articulate her underlying fear about her grandmother.

After your grandmother passes away, you must tell your daughter the truth that Grandma died. If you shield her from this, she will probably over hear it or deduce it based upon what she sees and hears. By your not mentioning it, she may develop an explanation far scarier than what truly happened. Also, if you do not tell her, she will come away with the idea that death is something not to be spoken about or shared with loved ones. She may then think it is unacceptable for her to talk to you about her own fears about death.

This is a time for you to also clarify for yourself what you believe spiritually about death. If you have religious beliefs, this is a time to transmit those beliefs to your daughter. For example, if you think Grandma is in Heaven, let her know that. An 8-year-old can understand that Grandma’s spirit lives on even after her body dies.

Children often use denial as a way to protect themselves from things that are too overwhelming to face all at once. If your daughter acts unfazed, do not assume she is cold hearted. This may be her way to slowly get used to the loss of grandma, and the idea that we all will one day die.

If your daughter seems receptive, you can also look at some pictures of Grandma and tell some nice stories of good memories of Grandma.

Some children want to make a memory book about a loved one. They paste pictures of their loved one and cut out magazine pictures to depict their life, their hobbies and interests, and their importance to the family.

Bullying At School

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Dear Dr. Rain:

Summer didn’t come soon enough for my 9-year-old son. The whole school year he was bullied by two boys. They were cruel with their words. They also would physically hurt him on the sly, always when the teacher didn’t see it. He went from a confident, happy child, to a boy who hated school and was miserable until the weekends.

Nothing I did with the teacher and principal helped. They refused to do anything big enough to change this. I would like to make sure he is in a class without these two boys, or else switch schools. My husband thinks he needs to learn to stand up for himself. I don’t think so.

What is your take on this?

Signed,
Thinking of Homeschooling
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Help For Reading Problems

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Dear Dr. Rain:

My son is very smart. He can take apart an old fashioned clock and put it together even though he is only 8 years old. He was held back in first grade because he couldn’t read. He still has big reading problems and is far behind his class. His math is great. He can focus well and he behaves well. The reading problems are taking a toll on his self-esteem and he is starting to call himself “stupid”. This breaks my heart. What can be done? The school gives him extra help but it doesn’t help. Does he have Dyslexia? Signed, College Educated

Dear College Educated:

Reading problems are a common reason parents consult a child psychologist. In our world, a child who cannot read well is at risk for developing other problems due to constant struggling. Even a very bright child begins to wonder if he or she is “stupid”.

The first step is to talk to your Pediatrician about a referral to a Child Psychologist if you do not know one in your area. An eye exam is also indicated to be sure there is no vision problem.

A Child Psychologist will take a detailed history and then likely schedule 4 to 6 testing visits to determine the nature of the reading problems. After, he or she will meet with the parents to discuss the findings and recommendations.

If Dyslexia is diagnosed, the Psychologist will refer you to a private tutor who specializes in using the Lindamood Bell Method to remediate Dyslexia. There are several in our area, but most private tutors do not use this method. It is a rare school that uses this method to help failing readers. This is because the method is expensive: it involves individualized tutoring 3 to 4 times per week. However it is highly effective. The cost of not treating Dyslexia often far exceeds the cost of this tutoring.

It can be confusing to parents that schools do not diagnose Dyslexia. Public schools typically will do testing to determine if the scores fall in a pattern that would qualify the student for special services. They are not in the business of making diagnoses.

There are many very successful individuals in the community who have Dyslexia. For example, many engineers have Dyslexia. The problem does not mean your child cannot succeed. I recommend that you seek evaluation so that remediation can begin.

Anxiety, Stress and Asthma

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Dear Dr. Rain:

My 8-year-old son saw his doctor who said he definitely has asthma. He’s  probably had it for a couple of years. Anyway, his doctor said that stress and anxiety can be a factor in an asthma attack. How could this be? I admit, we are pretty stressed out as a family and he does worry too much. Is it true that stress can be part of the picture?

Signed,

Breathing Problems in Palm Bay

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Separation Anxiety in Sisters

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Dear Dr. Rain:

I have two girls, ages 3 and 5 years old. My oldest started kindergarten. My 3-year-old misses her very much. They were playmates, being so close in age. She mopes around the house, is more cranky and just is out of sorts.

Is this normal? I miss my oldest, too, but I don’t think I show it.

Signed,

School Blues

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