Riverview Psychology

Child Psychologist - Brevard Co., Florida

Call for your appointment: (321) 984-0708

Preteens and Parenting

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Dear Dr. Rain:

My son just turned 11, and I am having some trouble finding ways to be together with him.

This past year, he has been so excited about his friends and his video games, and just doesn’t want to do the things we used to do. I can’t get him interested in board games, and he won’t go in the yard and throw a ball around anymore.

I offered to take him to the movies, but he really wasn’t too keen on it. He is a great kid, responsible, good student and otherwise seems pretty happy.

How do I get back the closeness we had?

Signed,

Mama Bear

Dear Mama Bear:

What seems like a problem to you is probably a sign that you have done everything right with your son. At around 10 years old, we start to hear the drumbeat of adolescence.

Children become less tied to their parents and more interested in the world and their friends. Having parents becomes a bit of an embarrassment to some of them.

It’s not unusual, for example, that children will ask their parents to duck down when they drop them off at school, or even drop them off a block away. They love their parents as much as before, but they are becoming increasingly driven to individuate and separate from them. This is a bittersweet moment for many parents. On the one hand, they are proud and excited to see their “baby” starting to grow up. On the other hand, they often feel the sadness of letting go of the sweetness of childhood.

When children are approaching adolescence, there is a tightrope that we walk as parents. We don’t want to let go too much, too soon, nor do we want to smother our children and prevent them from becoming more independent.

In today’s culture, I see parents frequently making the mistake of backing out of their children’s lives too much and too soon. While the nature of your relationship with your son will change, it is important to realize he is still not an adult.

One of your challenges now is to find ways to remain involved in your son’s life without holding on too tightly. For example, you might find time to play some of those video games with your son since they are such a big hobby for him.

Follow his interests rather than trying to get him to return to interests from his earlier years. Be sensitive to the fact that he might not want to be seen with you at the movies. It might work out better, for example, to pop popcorn and watch a funny TV show or rent a DVD. Turn off the phone so you won’t be interrupted when you have this type of family time.

At this age, and throughout his teen years, it remains very important to have family dinners as often as possible. Keep the conversation light and talk about topics that are interesting to your son. Show sincere interest in his interests and activities. Many families also wisely set aside family time each week. They find something fun to do with their kids even if it only lasts a couple of hours.

Even though your son is pushing hard for independence, he still needs your affection.

If he will not snuggle with you anymore, maybe he will accept a foot rub or a quick hug. Continue to praise him for his good choices, and make sure you tell him every day that you love him.

As he gets closer to becoming a teen, resist the urge to loosen up rules. You still need to set limits on things like bedtime, homework, privileges and even choice of friends. The better your relationship with your son, the more likely he will not buck these limits too hard.

Do not argue with him about the rules. Listen to his feelings, and then set the limit. If he wants to argue about it after he has aired his opinion, walk away so that you do not get into a fight about that.

Only brothers and sisters argue. Parents do not argue with their children.

Finally, be sure you are also taking care of your marriage. Teens and Pre-teens can try the patience of a saint. If your marriage is strong, your teen will function better, and you will have a built-in support system. Your marriage can also satisfy the closeness that is no longer part of your relationship with your son. It would not be healthy for your son, for you to look toward him for closeness.

It won’t be long before your baby is off to college. Eight years goes by in the blink of an eye. Keep that marriage strong. You and your husband will still have each other after that baby leaves the nest.

My Child is Disorganized

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Dear Dr. Rain:

Our son is now 12 years old. He has been disorganized since he was little. His room is a disaster. He claims he knows where everything is, but this isn’t true. He loses his homework, before he turns it in and then finds it two days later deep in his drawer with socks. He is usually late for things, and always the last one out the house in the morning. Lately, this has become a worse problem for him. He was always able to compensate because he is so smart. But now, he is starting to fall behind because the work is getting so demanding. I am disorganized, but my wife is not. I don’t think he is just copying me.  Do you have any advice?

Signed, Disorganized Parent

Dear Disorganized Parent,

It is not unusual that a child can compensate for problems for many years until the school or home demands become more substantial. Former compensation techniques no longer work well enough in the face of increasing school pressure, and the parents then seek assistance.

The word “organized” is a complex one and refers to many issues. Many parents use this word to refer to a child’s ability to focus and stay on task until it is completed, and completed in a timely fashion. Parents also use the word to refer to adherence to routines, keeping track of belongings, of homework assignments, of directives given by adults, as well as keeping the bedroom fairly neat.

To remain organized, therefore, certainly requires an ability to focus when the subject at hand is boring to the child. It also requires that the child be able to put off immediate gratification in order to engage in less interesting activities. It also requires that the child be able to remember, on an intermediate or on a short term basis, information or directives given by the adult.

There are certain types of learning differences that can cause problems with organization. AD/HD  Predominantly the Inattentive Type can also cause significant problems with organization. These types of causes are due to the way the brain functions, and are usually, but not always, inherited.

Certain types of family environments can exacerbate preexisting problems with organization, but  typically are not the primary cause.

It should also be noted that there are children who have organization problems that do not reflect any underlying disorder. All children have strengths and weaknesses. Not all weaknesses are a sign of pathology. Parents work hard to recognize and celebrate a child’s strengths, and help the child to deal with weaknesses so they do not create real problems for the child.

At some point, parents may feel enough concern that a consultation with a Child Psychologist is warranted. During a consultation the Psychologist  will take a detailed history from the parents and offer ideas to help the child. Sometimes, the Psychologist will recommend testing. Testing can give the parents valuable information in order to understand and help the child improve organization skills.

Bullying At School

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Dear Dr. Rain:

Summer didn’t come soon enough for my 9-year-old son. The whole school year he was bullied by two boys. They were cruel with their words. They also would physically hurt him on the sly, always when the teacher didn’t see it. He went from a confident, happy child, to a boy who hated school and was miserable until the weekends.

Nothing I did with the teacher and principal helped. They refused to do anything big enough to change this. I would like to make sure he is in a class without these two boys, or else switch schools. My husband thinks he needs to learn to stand up for himself. I don’t think so.

What is your take on this?

Signed,
Thinking of Homeschooling
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Behavior of Eleven Year Old After The Divorce

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Dear Dr. Rain:

My ex and I divorced a couple of years ago and we are both involved in our 11-year-old daughter’s life.  We are barely on speaking terms. When she comes to my house, she tells me things about what her dad does. Like, he lets her stay up really late, eat junk food and things like that. I believe her because he did that when we were married. She also tells her father about things I do that aren’t always true. She told him I left her alone for the whole afternoon. Well, I went to the store for 20 minutes and my boyfriend watched her.

I’m afraid she is turning into a liar, and don’t know what to do about that.

Signed,

Done With This

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Dr. Rain’s Blog

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Dr Rain's Brevard Psychologist Blog

Welcome to Dr. Rain’s Blog.  Dr. Rain will occasionally post articles to this blog about  issues which may be of interest to parents.