Riverview Psychology

Child Psychologist - Brevard Co., Florida

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Why Steve Jobs Did Not Let His Kids Use iPads!

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Dear Dr. Rain:

Our oldest child is turning 9 years old and wants an iPad for a birthday present. My parents offered to buy it but we are torn. We worry that it turns kids into little zombies, but maybe we are overreacting. What kinds of guidelines are out there? Signed, Old School Parents

Dear Old School Parents:

Technology has quickly changed the landscape of many aspects of life in less than a generation. Each new gadget is exciting and provides fun and education for each member of the family. It has all happened so rapidly, that many parents are worried about the impact on their children. On the other hand, they realize their children will be competing in a wired world, and that their peers are using gadgets as a part of socializing and staying connected to friends.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has recommended no more than two hours of screen time daily. This includes TV,  tablets, cell phones, and video games. Many professionals also recommend no screen use within an hour of bedtime. These gadgets appear to interfere with the ability to fall asleep.

There is nothing inherently evil about using a tablet of course. The major concern is that the frequent use of these gadgets replaces important activity that is necessary for physical health, mental health, learning, and creativity. Furthermore, because these gadgets go online, children can be exposed to very damaging information and visual images in the blink of an eye.

Did you know that Steve Jobs and many of his colleagues did not allow their children to use an iPad and tech gadgets?    These technology wizards observed the downside of tech gadgets first hand. These gadgets have replaced playing outside with friends, building things by hand, thinking creatively with toys, exploring the natural world, and learning from people and books. While our children may become tech wizards, other areas of development are neglected. Hundreds of hours are spent sitting still, playing mindless addictive games rather than engaging with the world.

I do not think a 9 year old needs an iPad. If you decide to allow this in your home, I encourage you to set clear rules about it’s use. Many parents allow it’s use only on the weekend, and when it is convenient to the parent (e.g. while the parent is cooking supper, or on a long car ride etc.).

Set an example for your children. Do they have to wait to interact with you while you scroll through Facebook and emails? Or do you save that for after their bedtime so you can interact with and be engaged with the world around you? When you sit in a waiting room with your child, are you both isolated from one another, checking your phones non stop, or are the phones off and you are reading together or joking about the day? Are you getting most of your exercise indoors by moving your thumbs, or do your children see you actively exploring the outdoor world, are roughhousing with them indoors? You get the idea.

These are things parents can discuss with each other. You will not harm your child by refusing to buy an iPad. They are very expensive gifts for such a young child, with not much payoff. You will not harm your child by buying an iPad. The trick is the limits you set on the use of the iPad and all of your child’s electronics.

Preteens and Parenting

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Dear Dr. Rain:

My son just turned 11, and I am having some trouble finding ways to be together with him.

This past year, he has been so excited about his friends and his video games, and just doesn’t want to do the things we used to do. I can’t get him interested in board games, and he won’t go in the yard and throw a ball around anymore.

I offered to take him to the movies, but he really wasn’t too keen on it. He is a great kid, responsible, good student and otherwise seems pretty happy.

How do I get back the closeness we had?

Signed,

Mama Bear

Dear Mama Bear:

What seems like a problem to you is probably a sign that you have done everything right with your son. At around 10 years old, we start to hear the drumbeat of adolescence.

Children become less tied to their parents and more interested in the world and their friends. Having parents becomes a bit of an embarrassment to some of them.

It’s not unusual, for example, that children will ask their parents to duck down when they drop them off at school, or even drop them off a block away. They love their parents as much as before, but they are becoming increasingly driven to individuate and separate from them. This is a bittersweet moment for many parents. On the one hand, they are proud and excited to see their “baby” starting to grow up. On the other hand, they often feel the sadness of letting go of the sweetness of childhood.

When children are approaching adolescence, there is a tightrope that we walk as parents. We don’t want to let go too much, too soon, nor do we want to smother our children and prevent them from becoming more independent.

In today’s culture, I see parents frequently making the mistake of backing out of their children’s lives too much and too soon. While the nature of your relationship with your son will change, it is important to realize he is still not an adult.

One of your challenges now is to find ways to remain involved in your son’s life without holding on too tightly. For example, you might find time to play some of those video games with your son since they are such a big hobby for him.

Follow his interests rather than trying to get him to return to interests from his earlier years. Be sensitive to the fact that he might not want to be seen with you at the movies. It might work out better, for example, to pop popcorn and watch a funny TV show or rent a DVD. Turn off the phone so you won’t be interrupted when you have this type of family time.

At this age, and throughout his teen years, it remains very important to have family dinners as often as possible. Keep the conversation light and talk about topics that are interesting to your son. Show sincere interest in his interests and activities. Many families also wisely set aside family time each week. They find something fun to do with their kids even if it only lasts a couple of hours.

Even though your son is pushing hard for independence, he still needs your affection.

If he will not snuggle with you anymore, maybe he will accept a foot rub or a quick hug. Continue to praise him for his good choices, and make sure you tell him every day that you love him.

As he gets closer to becoming a teen, resist the urge to loosen up rules. You still need to set limits on things like bedtime, homework, privileges and even choice of friends. The better your relationship with your son, the more likely he will not buck these limits too hard.

Do not argue with him about the rules. Listen to his feelings, and then set the limit. If he wants to argue about it after he has aired his opinion, walk away so that you do not get into a fight about that.

Only brothers and sisters argue. Parents do not argue with their children.

Finally, be sure you are also taking care of your marriage. Teens and Pre-teens can try the patience of a saint. If your marriage is strong, your teen will function better, and you will have a built-in support system. Your marriage can also satisfy the closeness that is no longer part of your relationship with your son. It would not be healthy for your son, for you to look toward him for closeness.

It won’t be long before your baby is off to college. Eight years goes by in the blink of an eye. Keep that marriage strong. You and your husband will still have each other after that baby leaves the nest.

Model Good Emotional Control

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Dear Dr. Rain:

Our 10 year old son has always had trouble with controlling himself when he is frustrated or angry. He is well behaved at school, but not at home. He also has a temper on the soccer field. Both my husband and myself do have a lot of stress and lose it at home. I admit that sometimes we are pretty loud at his soccer games too. He doesn’t have AD/HD according to his Pediatrician. Is there anything we can do to help him at home? Signed, T. L.

Dear T.L.:

Children are born with different temperaments. Some children are more passive or easy going by nature. Others experience emotions very strongly and are more likely to flare up when frustrated. It can be a challenge to help a youngster learn to deal with strong emotions, because the flare ups not only concern the parents, but also impact everyone in the home. When a parent is already feeling stressed, these temper outbursts can be overwhelming.

From your letter, I suspect that you already realize that your own behavior might play a part in your child’s explosions.

The first step in helping a child to learn self control is for the parent to model self control. A frank discussion between you and your husband can help you to identify the factors that trigger your loss of control. For example, is the family overscheduled with too many activities and commitments, resulting in a constant feeling of pressure? If so, you can start to eliminate commitments and focus more on family time at home. This can greatly reduce stress.

In our very busy society, it is common that the parents and children are not getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleep deficiency makes it very hard to exercise self control in frustrating situations. This is true for adults as well as children. Examine the sleep schedule for your family and make changes if necessary.

If you are swearing when you lose control, set up a “cuss” jar. If your child catches you, you owe the jar 25 cents. When the jar is full, the family can go out for ice cream as a treat. Each time you swear, you are teaching your child that is okay to lose control.

If these types of lifestyle changes do not see a reduction in your son’s outbursts, I would recommend you consult with a Child Psychologist. The Psychologist can teach you tools to help your son master self control.